Certain people I know

I was going to start with a politically-fuelled debate of the state of the British Isles, how the classes still very much rule the masses and the horrible realisation that to bring a child into the world in which ours is becoming could be seen as a heresy. However, I am really stupid so instead I won’t. Instead I will write about how annoying people can be.
In my opinion a lot of people can be classified into certain stereotypes. This is wrong of me I know, but it makes things easier in justifying their actions in my mind and making snide comments about them in pubs. So here we go;-

The Interferer:

This type of person will cast judgements of elements of your life mainly when you least want them to. They will see themselves wise and able to empathise with every situation that life throws at you. However this is all a mere fabrication because it’s most likely that this person has a limited knowledge of social interaction and instead has acquired all their knowledge through their faux-philosophical ponderings in-between refreshing livejournal and stroking the dog.

The Boaster:

The boaster is easily spotted, or rather isn’t. This is because you will rarely see this person because they are too busy on safari/going to theme parks when everyone else is working/writing a blog about their experience. So if they are not doing something “amazing” they are writing about it or worse telling you about it. Often they will provide props; a set of photographs from Tenerife, a list of the presents they got for their birthday, and the worst, a glorious suntan/ornate donkey. They will try to drop in their astounding good fortune in every conversation regardless of its theme. “Oh yes I know the third world is suffering a terrible plight but when I was out in Malaga last week...” (See also The Only Child)


The Only Child (or those with fairly rich parents, often of non- British origin):

Not all only-children are bigheaded, pompous spoilt brats but a majority seem to be. They will always be on some life changing trip with their other privileged friends on their parent’s money because it has been assumed that the child has been denied some kind of upbringing by the absence of a sibling and thus should be treated as one who a deity. Sometimes they will like to include you by asking you to come out to dinner with them or something like that but this will always be somewhere really expensive as so they can be certain that you won’t actually accept the offer but are able to save face at the same time. This is when they do go out, however as usually they are in Africa or in the library trying to swot up in order to win in an ongoing battle with their peers to gain the highest score in the science quiz. If they don’t get an A on the paper they will cry in the toilet. This has been witnessed at least half a dozen times in as many years.

The Guilt Bearer:

This person will make you feel guilty for everything. A common scenario is when they have written a 3000 word essay and keep reminding you of this then casually asking you how many you have done. When the reply is something like “about 4” they will usually say something like “oh don’t worry you have another night to do it” when really inside they are ecstatic that they have able to have this small victory. If you go on to get a better mark they will purse their lips, say well done but then return home to fashion a voodoo doll and begin the next essay before it is even set. If they do better they will extend their commiserations and their head will grow to something comparable to the size of a hot air balloon.

The Highly Opinionated:

Whatever conversation you have with this person, be it about an observation you have made, a book you have read, a flower you like, anything, they will have an opinion on it. If they didn’t have one before then they will surely make one up on the spot and it is very likely to differ from yours in order to start some ridiculous debate which will be resolved in three ways (always favouring them);
a) you will instantly tire of their attitude and resign yourself to agreeing with them in the hope they might go away
b) If they are of a lower intellect but particularly tenacious they will often use the following comebacks: “what can’t hear you!”, “yeah but no”, “you’re wrong” or “no” repeated to infinity and “shut up, you’re gay”. This will then be followed by part a).
c) They will throw religion into the mix.



The Under Opinionated

*Song on radio*
You: “Oh wow I love this song”
Them: “Yeah I think I’ve heard it, what’s it called again?”
You: “fucking bitchtits”
Them: “Oh yeah I’ve heard of them, I have their album silly me! I listen to it every day”
You: “Please go away. It is unlikely I will approve of you more if you try to emulate my every move, and by the way I hate this song I was only pretending”
Them: “Me too”

Worse than this is when someone tries to either:
1.Get into an argument they don’t understand and then end up looking foolish
2.Try to appear overly opinionated on the things everyone is opinionated about like they thought of it first.